NEW ORLEANS (CT) – Officials from the Army Corps of Engineers are warning this city, devastated by the effects of Hurricane Katrina, not to rebuild on rock and roll.

“Building this city on rock and roll was a wonderful idea, and we all hoped it would help to show that someone who was always playing corporation games,” said Chief of Engineers Marty Wardecki. “But it simply didn't work. I urge residents and officials in the strongest possible terms: don't re-build this city on rock and roll.”

Planners for this city had built an intricate rock-and-roll based foundation that was supposed to protect it from hurricanes and floods. But What was set to be just another Sunday in a tired old street quickly turned otherwise, as gale-force winds and inches after inches of rain causes the protections to give way early on. Torrents of water washed their way through this city, leaving thousands knee-deep in the hoopla. Police, who got the chokehold just as we lost the beat, reported too many runaways were eating up the night, forcing the governor to ask for National Guard troops to patrol the streets and keep the peace.

Mayor Mickey Thomas Jr. dismissed criticism that he and other officials refused to take hurricanes seriously. “We just want to dance here,” Thomas said in an emotional press conference, “but someone stole the stage.”

Despite the Army Corps' dire warnings, many residents of this city say they want it built on rock and roll, just as before. “I don't care if it's dangerous or not,” said Vin Jacobi, an evacuee temporarily being housed at the Lawrence Welk Museum in Escondido, California. “This city is our home, our neighbor, our friend. It woudn't be the same if it wasn't built on rock and roll.”

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WASHINGTON (CT) – Sources close to the grand jury investigating the leak of CIA agent Valerie Plame's name to columnist Robert Novak say prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald is looking into accusations that presidential advisor Karl Rove was also responsible for leaking the identity of a covert operative to a Harry Potter fansite.

Earlier this week, Novak wrote a column for the Harry Potter Lexicon site announcing that a source had confirmed the identity of “R.A.B.” to be that of Regulus Black, the late brother of Harry's godfather Sirius Black and possibly the first individual to discover Lord Voldemort's secret collection of Horcruxes. The information has mysteriously disappeared from the site, sources say, after Novak and several other site authors were called to testify before Fitzgerald's grand jury.

Democrats called for Rove to be fired, citing a 1993 law that prohibits deliberately exposing the identity of an Order of the Phoenix member. “Once again Rove's outed a covert agent for political gain,” said Delaware Senator Joseph Biden. “Who knows how much damage he's done to our effort against You-Know-Who.”

Rove's defenders claim Regulus Black was a Death Eater, not an Order member, so the statute would not apply; they add his discovery of the Horcruxes was not even public knowledge until earlier this summer. “This guy's already dead,” said blogger Instapundit. “How would leaking his name put him in danger?”

While evidence points to Rove as the leaker, the motive behind the leak is less clear. Novak was asked why Rove would leak Black's name on CNN's “Crossfire,” but the columnist began shouting profanities and had to be helped off the set.

President Bush told reporters that he would cooperate with the investigation. “If someone leaked this name to the press,” Bush said, “they will no longer work in my administration.”

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WASHINGTON (CT) – President Bush tonight nominated a judge who is not fiery former boxing referee and TV judge Mills Lane to fill the Supreme Court post being vacated by Sandra Day O'Connor.

“I have chosen one of the most brilliant legal minds of our era to be my nominee to the Supreme Court, and I am confident will act promptly to confirm this fine judge,” Bush said in brief televised remarks.

Early reports indicate the President's nominee has some experience as a lawyer and non-TV judge, though he appears to have never stood between Larry Holmes and Gerry Cooney, nor picked Evander Holyfield's ear up off the ring after admonishing Mike Tyson to stop biting it. It is also not known whether the nominee has his own catchphrase, a la Lane's legendary “Let's get it on!” It remains to be seen whether a judge without these captivating qualities will be able to withstand the rigors of the nation's highest court.

Analysts believed Bush was the best hope for putting Lane on the Court; he's told reporters in the past that “that bald fella is a pretty good judge, I like his show.” But the President, perhaps influenced by the many interest groups voicing their opinions on the nomination, opted for the decades-old precedent of not choosing Mills Lane, a precedent that goes back to 1937, when President Franklin Roosevelt passed over the toddler in favor of Hugo Black.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist promised a swift confirmation hearing for the nominee, but Democratic Leader Harry Reid, who represents Lane's native state of Nevada, said he would call for an independent inquiry. “It's a bittersweet day for the courts,” Reid told reporters. “I think the American people deserve to know why Judge Mills Lane won't be Justice Mills Lane.”

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By Living Indefinitely senior political editor Joe H. Luther

Most of my colleagues were shocked and surprised by the retirement of Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, but not me. No, I didn’t know about the announcement in advance, it’s just that I had other plans this week. So I was more angry than surprised at Justice O’Connor’s inconsiderate decision to retire the day before my trip to Tijuana. That anger is probably the reason why my list of potential replacements is a little odd:

1) William Rehnquist: for some reason I thought that the Chief Justice, himself rumored to be retiring due to health and age, would make a good replacement for O’Connor. President Bush could then make history by nominating O’Connor to replace Rehnquist as Chief Justice. This is one of the dumber things I’ve ever suggested, and I blame it squarely on missing my vacation.

2) Diana Ross. Supremes on the Supreme Court? Yes, bad puns are what we political editors come up with when we’re too angry at a certain retiring Justice to check with our sources or do research.

3) Carroll O’Connor. Ok, he’s dead. Would I have proposed that a dead man replace Sandra Day O’Connor if I weren’t so mad at her for spoiling my trip? Probably not.

4) Sinead O’Connor. See the reasoning behind #3 above, except that she’s not dead. As long as we’re on the subject, though, I am mad enough to tear up a picture of Sandra Day O’Connor on late night TV.

5) A balloon. Um, yeah. I think I tried to recreate a trip to Tijuana in my apartment by drinking a lot of Jose Cuervo Gold and spreading 75 pounds of sand around my bathroom floor. Maybe you could draw a face on each side of the balloon so that it could tell which side it was voting for. This is not the work of a guy on an even keel, folks. A balloon… even I’m disappointed in myself. But I’m even more disappointed in Sandra Day.

I guess I can be proud that no one on my list is a cartoon, or a robot, or a non-human (except for the balloon with two faces, but whatever). It’s small comfort, but when you spend your vacation time drunkenly emptying sandbags on your bathroom floor, you have to take what you can get.

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LOS ANGELES (CT) – Former Vice President Al Gore is once again battling with old rival Ralph Nader, whom he says is trying to “spoil” the launch of his new cable channel, Current, by starting his own cable TV network, “There's No Difference TV.”

“I run for President, he runs for President. I start a cable channel, he starts a cable channel,” Gore said at a tense press conference. “What the hell did I ever do to this guy?”

Gore and entrepreneur Joel Hyatt had scheduled the conference to announce Current, which they call the first “collaborative TV channel” in which the audience would actively participate in developing programming. But their attention was focused almost solely on Nader. “Look at these Nielsen ratings!” Hyatt shouted. “We'd be ahead of Fox News Channel if not for TNDTV! He's taking part of our audience away, and for what? For his own ego.” Lawyers for the former Vice President are also investigating whether Nader is receiving advertising and other production help from Fox News Channel, which would be illegal under federal law.

Nader denied the accusations, saying that There's No Difference TV is “simply trying to provide a progressive voice amongst the two-channel duopoly.

“If they'd say something original,” Nader added, “they wouldn't be losing to Fox News and these other stations.” Asked to clarify what Fox News and Current had in common, Nader shouted “Do you know who I am? I'll sic the FBI on you!” and then hung up the phone.

But Nader's channel is having difficulties of its own. While Current is slightly behind in its ratings war with Fox News, TNDTV is having trouble simply getting on the air in most markets, with many cable subscribers fearing that subscribing to the channel will spell the end of Gore's network.

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